Managing Conflicts and Disagreements
- In This Quick Guide:
- Avoiding Unnecessary Conflict
- Managing Active Conflicts and Disagreements
- Moving Past Conflict
Few of us have a plan for managing conflicts and disagreements with friends, family, or a co-worker, even though these events are an inevitable part of most relationships. You can actually benefit from conflict and avoid hurt feelings and damaged relationships by following some simple techniques for resolving disputes through respect, negotiation, and compromise.
Avoiding Unnecessary Conflict
Healthy conflict gives us an opportunity to express our ideas and to learn more about the ideas of others. But we don’t have to engage in open warfare over every disagreement. Here are some ideas for identifying and avoiding conflict “hot spots”:
- Know yourself. All of us carry our own thoughts, feelings, interests, and values into our relationships. By understanding that your perspective is what makes you unique, you’re better able to accept differences in others.
- Remember your triggers. Make a list of your conflict “hot buttons”—events or topics of conversation that trigger your anger—and keep it near the place where your conflicts typically occur. Review the list periodically, to help mentally prepare for controlling your temper when these issues arise.
- Choose your battles. Don’t get sucked into unnecessary conflicts. Ask yourself, “Is it worth arguing about?” If you feel that working through the disagreement is more important than maintaining the peace, then speak up. But if the debate is going to create more problems than it solves, remain silent or change the subject.
- Acknowledge disagreement. Sometimes you can keep a conflict from escalating simply by acknowledging your disagreement. When you say, “Well, that’s frustrating, I was hoping we would agree on the subject,” you give everyone a chance to stop and think before continuing to argue.
- Know when to walk away. Train yourself to walk away from a dispute the moment you feel like you’re going to lose control. By separating yourself from the conflict before you begin screaming or verbally attacking others, you give yourself time to think clearly about the most constructive way to respond.
- Have a plan. Make another list, this time of the things you can do—take a walk, clear your desk, listen to music, and so on—to calm down in the wake of conflict. Keep it handy and use it after you’ve walked away from the dispute.
Managing Active Conflicts and Disagreements
You can’t always avoid conflict, and that’s a good thing. Working through conflict can make us stronger, more resilient, and more accepting. Here are some tips for keeping conflict under control:
- Calm down with controlled breathing. Anger and stress cause rapid breathing, which can deplete your oxygen, raise your blood pressure, and cloud your judgment. Ratchet down your stress by slowly breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.
- Stop talking and listen. Practice the “shut up and listen” technique. While controlling your breathing, be quiet and listen to what the other person has to say.
- Find a point of agreement. Find something in the other person’s position to agree with, and tell them—emphatically—that you agree with them on that point. They’ll know that you are trying to understand their point of view, and they may be more willing to listen to yours.
- Don’t take it personally. Don’t make the conflict about you or the other person, make it about the issue at hand. Use an “I statement” to objectify the conflict, as in, “I think we have different ideas about the best way to drive to work. I understand that you really think it’s faster to go this way.” Then ask for feedback: “Am I hearing you correctly?”
- Focus on one issue at a time. Don’t let secondary issues cloud conflict resolution. If the person says, “We don’t have time to go this way to work, because you’re always late picking me up,” You might say, “Let’s talk about which way to go right now, and we can discuss my being late after work today.”
- Avoid judgmental statements. If you blurt out mocking or antagonistic statements, you will only cause the other person to stop listening and become angry. The statement, “I think it would be better if we do it this way,” is less judgmental than “You’re doing it all wrong.”
- Forget about winning and losing. Work to find a resolution that lets both sides emerge from the conflict as winners. When you stop trying to “defeat your opponent,” you’ll be more receptive to good ideas and resolve conflicts quicker.
- Don’t try to change what you cannot change. You can’t force others to agree with you, so don’t keep arguing in an attempt to do so. You can’t change the past, either so, don’t get caught up in a conflict about something that’s already happened.
- Be respectful. You insult others when you immediately dismiss their ideas or suggestions. If you have your doubts, ask the person to explain how his or her proposal will work. If you still disagree, ask “Why do you want to do it that way?” When you understand another’s motives, it’s easier to find a resolution that will be acceptable to you both.
- Be willing to be wrong. Do your research, review the facts with an open mind, and then be willing to admit it if you find that you’re wrong. That can eliminate lingering hostility, and make others feel more comfortable admitting their own mistakes.
- Apologize for offenses. If you have offended the other person, be sure to apologize. A simple, “I’m sorry I raised my voice,” is enough to express your regret and to set the bar for respectful treatment.
- Remember to walk away. If you simply cannot find a way to to resolve the conflict, agree to disagree and then walk away. Work through your list of ideas for calming down and talk to a trusted friend or advisor, if necessary, for emotional support.
Moving Past Conflict
Don’t waste the opportunities for personal and professional growth presented by healthy conflict. After you’ve resolved a disagreement with another person, take time to acknowledge the good work both of you have done. Here are some ideas:
- Show your appreciation. Express your gratitude for the time and effort the other person has invested in resolving the dispute. You might say, “I really appreciate the time you spent reaching each a compromise with me” or “Thanks for being willing to resolve our conflict earlier. You’re really a good communicator!”
- Have an “out-of-conflict” moment. Schedule a short break away from the scene of the dispute. Following a disagreement with a co-worker, the two of you can grab a cup of coffee or lunch. Take a family member to dinner or drive them on their errands. Don’t talk about the conflict; use this break to learn more about the other person.
After you’ve successfully resolved a dispute with a co-worker or family member, take the time to reflect on the disagreement, its causes, and its resolution. The more you learn about managing conflicts and disagreements, the better able you will be to negotiate, compromise, and emerge from disputes at work or at home with stronger and more productive relationships.
