Conquering Social Anxiety Disorder
- In This Quick Guide:
- “Do You Really Care What People Think?” Yes!
- Getting Out of the Spotlight
- Behave Yourself
- Work It
Meeting someone new, giving a speech, or going on a job interview are nerve-wracking experiences for all of us. However, social anxiety is a disorder in which the sufferer is plagued by such an excessive fear of embarrassment in social situations that it impacts his or her life. If this is you, don’t worry—there are ways to combat social anxiety. In this guide, we take a look at the best self-help weapons against social anxiety—and how to use them.
“Do You Really Care What People Think?” Yes!
People with social anxiety can feel performance pressure in the simplest social interaction; shaking someone’s hand or greeting a stranger can feel like a test. People who suffer from shyness or social anxiety often believe that other people will think badly of them or that people will be judging them. Because of our vulnerability to rejection and disapproval, we also tend to be overly concerned with making a positive impression on people.
With social anxiety, our fear about what others are thinking is often a reflection of what we believe about ourselves. It’s these thoughts and beliefs that we have to change. Here are the first steps:
Catch automatic thoughts and replace them with realistic, rational ones. We can easily get so caught up in the anxiety and dread around stressful situations that we don’t pay attention to the negative conversation we’re having with ourselves. To get used to this process, think back over three or four actual occasions that you found difficult over the past month and try to re-create your thoughts before, during, and after this situation.
Keep a social anxiety diary for next two weeks. Write down what situations you felt anxious in as well as the thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations you experience before, during, and after. Remember, the trick is to recognize the thinking errors—turning a minor faux pas into a major disaster, personalizing reactions from others without any concrete evidence, focusing only on what you did wrong and ignoring situations you handled with ease—and begin to make them rationally neutral. The more you consciously practice and repeat this process, the more automatic it will become.
Getting Out of the Spotlight
One of the most common cognitive distortions is often referred to as the “spotlight effect,” the excruciating sensation that all eyes are on us and that we are being judged. We tend to consistently overestimate the degree to which other people’s attention is focused on us, how much they remember about what we said or did, and how much importance they attached to it. It’s not that we’re self-centered; it’s just that we’re so negatively self-conscious in social situations that we can’t help but think others see—and judge—what we’re doing. In fact, research shows the root of the “spotlight effect” lies in our excessive self-processing in anxiety-ridden social situations.
In other words, we are likely to see what we already believe. However, understanding the reason for the spotlight effect doesn’t make it go away. What can help, though, is to plan out ways to shift the focus from ourselves to others. In fact, a good strategy is to find ways to engage in competing activities.
For example, at a gathering you can:
- Make a goal of helping another person feel more comfortable
- Find out three things about another person in the room and prepare questions that another person would enjoy answering.
- Practice being a good listener, making a point of reflecting back what you heard to ensure that the other person feels heard.
You can also look around the room and see if anyone else seems nervous. Social phobia affects between 3 and 5 percent of the U.S. population; the odds are, someone else in the room has some degree of it. Can you spot who it might be? If you can’t, then the odds are that no one can spot you, either. But what if you do spy someone who seems unsure or anxious; how would you feel toward that person? Would you instantly dislike him or her and direct the rest of your time and attention to negatively critiquing him or her? No? Then why would anyone do that to you?
When we shift our focus in social situations, we begin to see that we are not, in reality, the center of anyone else’s attention. In social situations where we’re feeling especially vulnerable, we can be skeptical of what our thoughts are telling us.
Behave Yourself
Many people who have suffered from social anxiety for years have become exceptional escape artists, learning to either avoid a threatening situation altogether or use enough “tricks” while in one so that they never truly engage. Unfortunately, learning to think new thoughts isn’t going to get you very far if you don’t get in the saddle and ride.
Changing your behavior is just as important in conquering social anxiety as changing your thoughts. In fact, in the long run, changing what you do is probably the most helpful way to overcome social anxiety.
On the bright side, countless opportunities exist for us to boost our social confidence. Some of these need last only a few seconds or a few minutes at most. For example:
- Return a greeting from a neighbor or coworker
- Say hello to a neighbor or coworker without waiting to be greeted first
- Ask a clerk where to find something in a store
- Ask a stranger for directions
- Accept an invitation to lunch with a small group where other people will do most of the talking
- Accept a compliment with a simple thank you
- Give someone else a compliment
- Respond to a simple question with a brief answer if you have one
- Respond to a question you honestly can’t answer with a simple admission that you don’t know
You will gradually learn that you can cope and feel comfortable in social situations. It is worth remembering that many other people feel anxious in social situations too, it just doesn’t show. You are not the only one.
Work It
To manage your recovery from social anxiety, you need to consistently and repeatedly practice your newfound skills. There are several issues to keep in mind as you do this:
- Divide and conquer. It can be daunting to think of all the skills you need to work on to conquer social anxiety—dealing with the uncomfortable physical sensations that occur, challenging negative thought patterns, and socializing with other people at the same time. Instead, look at your recovery as a three-pronged approach and, in the beginning, work on them individually.
- Schedule practice sessions. Don’t wait for situations to appear before you start working on them. If nothing’s coming up on your schedule, create situations that will force you to practice; go to the grocery store, ask a friend to look over your shoulder while you’re writing, or go out to eat in a public restaurant.
- Expand your social skills. No one is born with the gift of gab. We learn how to join in, listen, make memorable presentations and communicate effectively. Build your social confidence by acquiring knowledge in which you feel lacking; this could be anything such as reading Miss Manners to How to Win Friends and Influence People.
- Don’t set yourself up. Studies suggest that as many as 70 percent of social anxiety sufferers also suffer from other challenges such as agoraphobia, panic disorder, or depression. And approximately 20 percent of those with social anxieties use alcohol to ease their fears. If you are experiencing other difficulties in addition to social anxiety, consider seeking professional help.
Practice these techniques and soon you will conquer your social anxiety and be comfortable in any situation. Good luck!
From The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Controlling Anxiety by Joni E. Johnston, Psy.D.
