Become More Assertive
- In This Quick Guide:
- What Is Assertiveness?
- Enhance Your Assertiveness
- Seven Ways to Boost Your Assertiveness
Being assertive is essential in both your personal and professional life. But if you’ve never been assertive, how do you start—and do you even know if you’re being assertive enough? In this guide, you’ll learn how to assess your assertiveness level and the seven key ways to boost your assertiveness.
What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness means being able to:
- Ask for what you want
- Express your opinions (even if others disagree) and your feelings (including negative feelings)
- Tell people what they don’t want—but need—to hear
- Influence people
- Stand up for your rights
- Make your presence known to others
- Manage boundaries that you may not want someone to cross
The opposite of assertiveness can include behaviors such as being too passive, deferring to others’ opinions or wants, or being too self-effacing. It can also include being too aggressive. It may mean you back down on something you want or need, such as the salary you deserve or a car without that extra $500 seal-coating treatment the dealer wants to foist on you. Or it may mean that you give in all the time, but then walk around resenting everyone for taking advantage of you.
Enhance Your Assertiveness
Many people assume that there are rules about what they’re allowed to say or ask, when in fact most of these rules probably exist only in your mind. Particularly if you tend to be under-assertive, you probably live in a world full of imaginary rules that the people around you don’t even know you’re following! This can be a great time to re-examine your assumptions about whether it’s really okay not to assert yourself. Even rules you don’t know you tend to follow, like always asking the other person where they want to go for dinner before mentioning your craving for Mexican.
If you can change your thinking about some of these rules, you’ll be more likely to change your behavior as well. And little by little, you’ll see your assertiveness quotient rise.
Seven Ways to Boost Your Assertiveness
There’s no end to the ways you can behave assertively—it’s really an art form. But some of the most common techniques follow. Even mastering one or two of these might help you improve your assertiveness skills a great deal! Here’s a list to get you started:
- Practice some “request starter phrases.” Most people who are good at asking for things have just a few ways of starting out, such as: “Could I trouble you to …?” or “Would you mind …?” For example, “Would you mind not smoking in the house? The smoke bothers me.”
- Let them know you care. Start off by signaling to the other person that you’re aware of his situation, and not just your own. For instance, saying “I see that you’re busy, but when you have a minute could you help me …?” is much more effective than just saying, “Hey, you! Help me with this ….”
- Check your tone of voice. Do you sound loud and intimidating? Or are you barely squeaking out your request, or whispering it so they can’t really hear you? A confident, quiet, caring tone usually works best.
- Make eye contact. Eye contact, especially the kind that conveys interest and attention to the other person, can help you create that sense of “connection” that will help the other person “decide to want to help you.”
- Smile. No, not a silly grin, but a warm, nice smile can open doors, get a person’s interest, and ensure that the other person tunes in to you.
- Relax. Do whatever you can to keep your anxiety level down. We can tense up when faced with assertiveness opportunities, and tension is both unhealthy and works against us when we interact with others. (See the “anxiety management” tips earlier in the chapter for suggestions.)
- Visualize outcomes. Before you walk into a tension-causing situation, try to imagine everything going very well. Seeing things work out in your mental movie theatre may help you find the calm courage you need to bring up that touchy subject. Likewise, some failure rehearsal can help. Ask yourself, “If this doesn’t work, what’s Plan B?” Just knowing you have another plan can reduce your anxiety.
The benefits of becoming more assertive and having your thoughts and opinions heard are legion! Just for starters, you’ll feel better about yourself, you’ll have greater immunity to depression, you’ll be a more effective parent, you’ll be more successful in your career, and—best of all—you’ll have more fun in life. So turn up your dimmer switch and enjoy becoming more assertive!
From The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Your Social IQ by Gregory P. Korgeski, Ph.D.
