The Do’s and Don’ts of Getting Over a Breakup
- In This Quick Guide:
- The Do’s
- The Don’ts
Neil Sedaka was right—breaking up is hard to do. Especially when you’re not the one doing the breaking. Nobody’s immune … after all, how many songs have been written by and about the broken-hearted? Patsy Cline fell to pieces. Seventies hair farmers Nazareth opined that “Love Hurts,” the Bee Gees wondered “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?” and Madonna pondered “The Power of Goodbye.” There are more songs about heartache than there are about love! Unfortunately, empathy value aside, most aren’t very helpful when it comes to the actual practicalities of healing a broken heart. Which is what these do’s and don’ts will help you maneuver.
The Do’s
- Let yourself feel bad for a little while. So many of us try to get over feeling bad by forcing ourselves to put on a happy face—“faking it ’til we’re making it.” This is called denial and it is counterproductive. The sooner you face your feelings and process them, the sooner you will start feeling better.
- Mourn, but don’t wallow. There is a fine line between allowing yourself to feel bad for a while and crawling into a perma-funk. A couple days of not showering and extreme PJ wearing is okay, but once you start to skip work or school, you really need to think about what you’re doing to yourself. Being depressed is one thing—being depressed and unemployed is quite another. If you need help, ask for it (but not from the person who broke your heart!) or seek therapy.
- Exercise—it’s the best antidepressant. While your impulse is probably to stay in bed, possibly crawl over to the sofa, and then slump back to bed again when the sun goes down, a more productive option would be hitting the gym, track, or boxing ring. When you work up a sweat, your body releases endorphins, which kill the pain better than any cocktail or pill ever will. The fact that you’ll look awesome and fit the next time you run into that heartbreaker is just an added bonus.
The Don’ts
- The stomach and the heart are two unrelated organs—filling one will not heal the other. Which is why it is imperative that you remember at all times that you are not a cliché and promise yourself not resort to solo sobbing on the sofa with a pint of your good friends Ben & Jerry. Instead: Make an extra effort to eat lots of fruits and veggies and supplement your meals with a multi-vitamin.
- Starving yourself isn’t going to bring anyone back either. The “Heartbreak Diet” means different things to different people. Some folks, like the above, stuff any- and everything they can into their piehole, hoping to heal their hurt with baked goods and bacon. Others get more dramatic and take to their beds, refusing all sustenance. Neither is the correct course of action. Instead: Even if your stomach is in knots and you have to force yourself, at least choke down some dry toast and tea.
- No calling him/her. We’re serious. It’s natural that when you’re in pain, you reach out to the person closest to you. But when that person is the same one who caused you all that pain, you need to look for someone else for comfort. Instead: Call your best buddy, your mom, or even your hairdresser. Just make sure to tip big if you go that route.
- That goes for texting (or, God forbid, sexting) too. Do not make a dumb mistake with your smart phone. If you must text, type out your message and wait 24 hours before sending. Instead: To counteract any chance of this happening, change the heartbreaker’s name in your phone to something like “Bad Idea” or “Ouch B. Heartbreaker.” Doing this will not prevent you from making a grave error in judgment, but it might give you pause enough to think twice.
- E-stalking: Don’t do it! While the internet has given us millions of adorable kitten videos and the ability to purchase overpriced knitwear at 2 a.m. if we so please, it’s also made it all too easy to give into the temptation of e-stalking your ex. Poring over his Twitter account, wracking your brain over her Foursquare update (“Is she there alone or WITH A DATE?!”), and refreshing his Facebook page every five seconds, is not going to bring you closer, it’s going to drive you crazy. Instead: Step away for your computer for a few days or install a program like “Freedom” that keeps you offline.
- Don’t overdo the drinking. A glass or two of wine with the girls, fine. Anything more than that and your risk of drunk dialing that cad/cadette increases with every sip and you do not want to wake up with a hazy memory of shrieking, “You are KILLING me!!!!” into the phone. Instead: Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or animal shelter after work. Not only will you be helping others, you’ll be getting a much needed dose of perspective.
- Rebounds are only good on the basketball court. Getting over someone by immediately segueing into another relationship may feel right at the time (no more lonely nights!), but it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your rebound. If you hook up with someone new before you’ve completed the boo-hoo/bye-bye process, you’re not only fooling yourself, you’re potentially hurting this new person who thinks they’re getting a human being who’s capable of being in a relationship. Instead: Take advantage of your alone time. Go see movies he’d never see with you, quit shaving or waxing for a month or two, and learn a romance language.
- Don’t get caught up in second-guessing the whys. It’s natural to wonder how things could’ve been different. Would she still love you if you were a few inches taller and hadn’t burped in front of her mother? Maybe he’d still be enamored if he hadn’t seen you sans eyeliner on that camping trip. Is your laugh too loud? Are your thighs too large? Yes, if there was one thing you did wrong to drive them away—like infidelity or identity theft—you should examine the motives for your actions. Instead: Rather than beating yourself up, try to remember that most relationships just end. There is no single reason and besides, though it’s cliché, sometimes it isn’t you—it’s them.
If you follow these guidelines you may not feel better immediately, but in time you’ll start to perk up and some day you won’t even remember the name of that idiot you once thought you loved.
by Judy McGuire
Judy McGuire has been advising the lovelorn for more than a decade, writing a column called “Dategirl” for the Seattle Weekly, among others. She is also the author of How Not to Date (2008) and The Official Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n’ Roll Book of Lists (2011).
