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Ask the Author
Q&A for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Chemistry of Love by Mary Anne Fisher, Ph.D.
- When we say that two people have “chemistry,” what does this mean?
- It can mean all sorts of things! It can refer to that instant “click” you have with someone whom you meet for the first time and think would be great to date. It can also mean why you get that rush of falling in love, and then the blues following a break-up, or why orgasms are so much fun. It can refer to the feeling a parent has for their child the first time they see her. It can also refer to friendships, or why we feel competitive against certain individuals. The chemistry of love is rooted in many of our interpersonal interactions.
- Can you make up or change chemistry between people?
- Yes, to some degree, depending on the situation and the type of interaction. For example, as we review in the book, certain foods and behaviors change the body’s chemistry which then influence sexual libido or emotions, consequently influencing one’s relationships. We also talk about how people can take hormones and the effects they have on one’s chemistry and relationships. In some cases, using hormones in this way does change one’s interactions, but not always.
- Does chemistry between two people change over time? How?
- Yes, especially for romantic relationships. Many of us have probably felt that rush of falling in love and the way it can be so consuming. We might also experience intense sexual feelings, and want to be with that person all the time. Eventually, though, that gives way to a more stable, companionate love. Research shows that this pattern matches the way our body chemistry changes over the course of the relationship.
- How do I really know I’m in love?
- That is a hard question! One reason it’s difficult is because feeling love and feeling motivated to have sex are not necessarily the same thing, at least not for everyone. It’s also hard to answer because I think we understand falling in love a bit better, at least with respect to chemistry, than staying in love.
- If we’re talking about people who have been together for a little while, then the best response I can give is that you feel content, happy, and relaxed when in the presence of the other person. They hold your hand, or you think about them, and the chemical oxytocin is released, which reduces stress and anxiety, and increases relaxation. Another chemical, the endorphins, increases feelings of well-being and is released when in the presence of an established lover. So, although our minds might not know we’re in love, our bodies probably do!
- How does a “crush” differ from “love” in chemical terms?
- A crush might involve fantasy, feelings of longing, initial stages of love, or simply sexual lust, but usually it’s marked by a feeling of a rush when the person we desire is around us. It really is a difference in the levels of certain hormones. For example, there’s a pleasure-based chemical, dopamine, that increases when we’re around the person we desire, whereas when we’ve been in love for a while, we don’t tend to experience it quite the same way. Same with phenylethylamine, which is why we feel giddy or excitement when we meet someone, but then it decreases once we enter a stable relationship.
- During your professional experience, what has been the most unique or interesting aspect of the chemistry of love?
- I personally find it amazing that we can perform a small behavior, like hold hands or hug, and our bodily chemistry changes. Or we see someone across the room and instantly feel something, and again, our body responds. We can’t control it, and most of us won’t know why we feel better when we’re hugged by someone special. The chemistry that underlies our interpersonal relationships, particularly romantic ones, is incredible.
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